Counting the results.

No. 7 done and dusted.  One more and I’ll be at the halfway mark and will be counting down in stead of up!

It’s all about the counting on the Oncology ward.  And the counts, blood, liver function, oxygen saturation, blood pressure, weight.  This fella comes to mind! 

And he's cheering me on for the half way mark in this picture.  I could do with him sometimes to keep up!

And the scores.  It’s all about the scores.  You get a score here for everything, and believe it or not, the optimum score is Zero, yes a big fat 0!  Normally I like a good quiz and usually I try to get the highest score possible, but no, not in here, this is not a good quiz.

Every week the assigned nurse goes through her ‘check list’ with me and scores me on my answers.  It’s the same set of questions every week, you would think by now I would know the correct answers to give to increase my score.  But I can’t lie.  I am however allowed to complain, but I have to be careful after last weeks complaining, as that could end up with a negative result for me.

So Siobhan, any nausea or vomiting this week?  No! Unless you count that time I was watching ‘I’m a Celebrity get me out of Here’ and that lovely girl had to eat spiders and sheep’s eyes!  That made me sick.  No, Siobhan, that doesn’t count. Great!  A big fat 0 for that answer.

Any mouth ulcers or sores?  Nope, none. - The 3 times a day disgusting mouth wash, that tastes and smells like the yellow Augmentin that I had to give Kevin when he was small, is working.  I apologise Kevin, you were right, it is disgusting.  So that’s a good result here too!  All good so far, another 0.

Dry mouth?  (Dammit!)  Well yes, I do suffer from this. - I also have another disgusting mouthwash to combat this, and despite my strenuous routine, dry mouth does cause me problems.  I know, I know, I can hear you all saying that it doesn’t seem to cause me any trouble when talking!  I read in the book they gave me at the start of this that eating pineapple can help with this dry mouth thing, so I eat pineapple.  It also said to suck boiled sweets.  A much better idea in my opinion, so I ate boiled sweets.  None of them were much use until Tall Kevin brought me a bag of Jolly Ranchers home from New York.  Eureka!  They worked so well, I ate the whole packet, for medicinal purposes obviously.  Unfortunately you can’t buy them here in Ireland.  So I sent out the Bat signal, which was intercepted by my brother Declan who lives in Boston, (quite a strong signal from my dodgy Eir Broadband WiFi), and will be coming home for Christmas with a stash of Jolly Ranchers hidden in his case.  No pressure here, but no Jolly Ranchers will result in a negative score, and you don't want that for your big sister do you?  Also, you don’t want to be Fergus either do you?  I will give Declan a hug when he gets here, a short one, then I’ll be off to riffle through his case to find the contraband.  Disappointing score here, the lack of Jolly Ranchers scored me a -1.  Bah Humbug to that.  Oh wait, maybe I should try Humbugs!

How’s your appetite?  It's good.  -  But I’m fed up eating pineapple.  Another 0 here, accompanied by a dramatic eye roll from the nurse.

Any problems with your hearing?  Pardon?  -  Ha!  Sorry, I couldn’t resist saying that, before issuing a resounding no to hearing trouble.  Hold on a second, maybe I should have my hearing checked out, as I could have sworn I heard Fergus say that he would call over with cake.  I haven’t heard him knocking on the door armed with a Mannings box in tow anytime recently, could this possibly be the result of impaired hearing?  A big sigh from the nurse, which I pretended I didn't hear, but also another big 0.

Pins and needles or tingling in your hands or feet?  I can feel another -1 coming here.  Yes! -  Unfortunately this is one of the side effects that I get, that I can do nothing about.  Except sit with a heat pack wrapped around my hands from time to time, which is nice, except for the bad score it gives me.

Shortness of breath?  (Ah, she's coping on to the questions to ask and she’s just being mean now).  Yes, but only when going up or down the stairs.  That still counts, she’s as bad as Judge Judy. -1

Are you still able to do stuff around the house?  (Has she been reading my blog?!)  Eh... yes! - I’m answering yes as I’m interpreting the question to mean simple things like putting my own cup in the dishwasher, picking my own towel up off the bathroom floor, fluffing my own cushions on the couch, of which lying on I’m becoming quite fond of, peeling my own fruit, unwrapping my own bars of chocolate, and writing a list of the shopping for Tall Kevin to do.  I didn’t tell her I have a friend helping me with other less important things.  I can see the skeptical look in her eye as she gives me a reluctant 0.

There are others questions, to do with bodily functions and sleeping habits etc. but I won’t bore you with the questions or embarrass you with the answers now, but the final question before she goes away to order my poison, is always:

And your mood, how is your mood and how are are you coping?   Well I know you have other patients today so I’ll keep this short. - Is that a smile I see?   My mood is good, very good, and gets better when these questions are over!  - I’m staying positive, despite the lack of Jolly Ranchers.  So far I'm coping reasonably well, and as I have so many holiday days left to take, I'll be finished work on 13th December until 2nd January, and I'm coping very well with that!  0 scored here, but with a warning of a -1 if I’m still as cheeky next week.  Me, as if!?

She also checked back through all the previous weeks before she left and awarded me a Gold Star for maintaining my weight.  While I'm very glad to hear that and be awarded a Gold star, I couldn’t possibly accept this award for myself, so I accepted it on behalf of everybody who has helped with this achievement thus far.  Therefore. I'm awarding big giant 0 to everybody who has made me dinner, brought me out to lunch, brought food for the freezer and supplied biscuits and chocolate.  Thank you all very much and congratulations on your achievement.  Obviously Fergus has some work to do here, but we won’t mention that. -1 for him.  

I'm just warning you all now also, that because I’ve been enjoying the company of my couch, Netflix and Sky Movies so much lately, domestic standard have slipped.  When you come to visit me from now on, you will have to wash your own cup and make your own coffee!  But don’t worry, I can update you on the plot of the latest movie, from the couch, while your in the kitchen.  

I’ll be scoring you on your results, while you’re counting the days till this is all over...