And now for something completely different!

I thought you might have had enough of me and my tales of babies bikers and breezes, so today I decided to treat (?) you to something different.

So, here's something that my Father wrote for his granddaughter, my seven year old niece Eliza.  Eliza, who was born and lives in London, has decided to take an interest in all things Irish, including Leprechauns and tales of folklore as told to her by her Grandad...

Unless you are Irish, or have some insight as to how my Father's brain works (I think we might need Prof Wiseman's help with that one!), then you may not fully 'get' the humour in this short story.  I really hope you do.  But, of course as with anything I post here that I don't write myself, I must issue a public health and safety warning before you attempt to read it!! 

WARNING:
The reading of this story may leave you never being able to take a goat or a Leprechaun (or me) seriously again.  So if you are a lover of all thing 'goat', then stop reading now.

You have been warned!!!


BILLY THE KID-GOAT, AND THE LEPRECHAUNS
A silly story by GRANDAD


Once upon a time there was an old man who lived alone on the top of a mountain in Co. Kerry.  His name was FESTY O'HOULIGAN and his mother had been a witch called NELLY (The belly) O'KELLY.  She owned a Deli, which was smelly.  That's why Festy moved to the top of the mountain.  


The mountain was named CARRANTOUHIL, which when translated means: ' the mountain with the cave on it where old Leprechauns go when they retire from minding the crock of gold and painting all the colours of the rainbow'.  There they play poker with the coins that 'fell off' the crocks that they were supposed to be minding.


Festy was a hermit, a man who wanted to live alone away from all the crowds and people of towns and villages.  His only friend was a big Puck Goat called GAROID (Gerry the Goat).  Now Garoid loved the mountain, and the plants and bushes that grew there, because this was, to a billy goat, a toy shop a sweet shop and a cake shop all rolled into one.  Garoid loved leaves, shoots, and sweet new branches which he chewed up with gusto.  He enjoyed just galloping all over the place and leaping over the bushes of gorse and clumps of heather.  He was especially fond of purple heather, which he felt was as good as any choc-ice that he licked from the wrappers left behind by the littering tourists down at the boreen (little road) car park.


Because Garoid was a fine big strong and handsome goat, he was just the sort of animal that the people of the nearby town wanted for their annual PUCK FAIR, a sort of big party held every year.  At this party they had a big boy-goat (A billy) high up on a platform where they crowned him 'King Puck'.  The goats did not like this at all, and they made great efforts not to be caught out on the mountain.  This year Garoid was the biggest and the most handsome of all the goats on the mountain, and Festy was determined that he would not be captured and be made King Puck.


Festy had a plan, and as soon as he heard the noise of the searchers at the foot of the mountain, he stopped his prayers and went in search of Garoid.  He found the billy-goat beside a very large clump of rocks playing with two sheep.  The sheep were twisting a long rope over and under and Garoid was skipping over it while the woolly fellas were chanting a skipping rhyme...


Umpa, Umpa, we have woolly Jumpas,
Goats, Goats have only hairy coats,
Pigs, Pigs can't do Irish jigs
Aon, Doh, Tree...skip along with me!


They were from the Gaeltacht at Sheep Head.


"Garoid" called Festy, "come here quickly, we have to hide you, cos the goat rustlers are out on the mountain".  The only place that Festy could think of as a hiding place for Garoid was the cave of the retired Leprechauns known to all the locals as 'Poul an Oir' (or in English, the 'Golden Hole').  Now the Society for Sick and Indigent Leprechauns, was very partial to Festy, and trusted him not to tell where the entrance was to their rest home, known as 'Cus in airde, thoin sios, (which means in English, 'feet up, bums down') Casino and Rest Home'.


Festy took Garoid to the back door which was down a rabbit hole and under the roots of a whitethorn tree, into the kitchen of the Golden Hole.  He was greeted by the chief Leprechaun, BIG EDDIE, who was the oldest and the meanest of the residents, and who was a tall as Festy's cat.  "Why are you bringing that smelly goat in here?  He will eat all our clothes and our beards and we will not be able to go to any of the international football matches!!  Besides we are going to hold and international congress of Leprechauns here next month and the Jewish and Arab and African Leprechauns won't want to stay here if we have a goat staying with us.  You can leave him if he promises not to head butt the Chef, and he lets us have his milk for cheese."  Both Garoid and Festy agreed, and Festy went back home.


In two days, Garoid had learned to play poker, and to cheat better than the little fellas did, so he won all their gold coins from them.  He was now King Puck in the Golden Hole and not very popular with the little men!  Big Eddie called a meeting of the council to find a way of getting back their money, and also getting rid of Garoid.  The meeting agreed that they should send Ruby, (the jockey Leprechaun) on their fastest rabbit to Donegal with a plea to their great friend Daniel (here's your tea Ma) Dullnote, who was an expert on dragging money from people, especially hairy people.  Daniel arrived by helicopter and landed on the mountain near Festy's cave, and was greeted by a salvo of 24 sheep bleats and 2 cow farts as he knelt to kiss the ground.  He spat out some sheep sultanas and set off for the Golden Hole.  


Daniel was greeted by Big Eddie and filled in on the currant goat situation.  Daniel knew right away how to resolve this dire problem.  He would sing...  Daniel cleared his throat, and the room. Skinny Sindey (the anorectic Leprechaun) disappeared into his beard and was never seen again.  Louis the Lip Leprechaun choked on his snail sandwiches (which came from the 'Smelly Deli').  The Chef (Cookie Chips) fell into the chip fryer and became the first deep-fried Leprechaun in Ireland.


When Garoid heard Daniel sing, he made a dash for the back door and in his haste forgot to gather his coins.  He had left them on the Tallboy in his room, but the Tallboy decided to keep the gold for himself.  Really, he was the smallest of the Leprechauns, but they called him Tallboy for short.


Garoid ran straight back to Festy's cave and when the hermit saw him coming he ran out to meet his missing goat.  In his haste he tripped over a snail that was running home from school to see Postman Pat on the Television.


Garoid picked up poor Festy and helped him back into his cave, where Festy hold him that it was now all right to go back out on the mountain and play with his woolly friends once more.  The Puck festival was over and the second class of a goat, which the festival had hoisted up instead of Garoid, had been released, and was now out on the mountain again and all would be safe for another year.


Now..
If you ever go to Carrantohil, and see some skipping goats
Don't ever mention Daniel for he wouldn't get their votes.
For all the hairy Leprechauns who live at Golden Hole,
lost all their golden income and are dependent on the dole....