Have you hear the one about...

When we were young (a long long time ago...) we used to tell 'Kerrymen' jokes.  I don't know how 'PC' this would be considered today, but we all have some group of people that we pick on and make the brunt of our jokes.

So in Ireland it was always the Kerrymen.  I''m not sure why the Kerrymen are always at the receiving end of the joke, but here are a few Kerryman jokes which might make you smile...

Have you heard about the Kerryman who saw a notice reading:  "Man wanted for Robbery and Murder"?
He went in and applied for the job...

Have you heard about the Kerryman whose library was burned down?
Both books were destroyed, and worse still, one hadn't even been coloured in...

Have you heard about the Kerryman who drove his new car over the cliff?
He wanted to test the air-brakes...

How would you get a Kerryman to climb on the roof of a pub?
Tell him the drinks are on the house!

How do you make a Kerryman laugh on a Monday morning?
Tell him a joke on Friday evening.

Well!!

Have you heard the one about the Kerryman who wants to give permits to rural drivers who want to have a drink and then drive home on their tractors?

Unfortunately it's not a joke.  

"A motion tabled by Danny Healy-Rae (Ind) at yesterday’s meeting of Kerry County Council called for special derogation from the alcohol limit for rural drivers, including those of small tractors."

Mr Danny Healy-Rae is a Kerryman. 

I couldn't believe it when I read it in the paper yesterday.  And I was even more astonished when the trainer interrupted the training session to read an article from a Belgian newspaper stating that the Irish had passed this as a law!  The joke was on me!!  Luckily I had read the article from the Irish Times, and I was able to point out to him that it was just a proposal and had not been passed as a law.  He conceded that his Belgian newspaper needed to get its facts straight in future.

Then this morning I was even more amazed to see Mr Healy-Rae himself in all his bearded glory, being interviewed this morning on BBC television, stating, in his Kerry accent, that the current drink-driving laws were causing members of his community to be isolated, and these people should be allowed to drink two or three pints and then drive their tractors home on quiet roads.  I don't know how the reporter interviewing him kept a straight face...

Needless to say the reaction from the general public has been one of ridicule and condemnation.  Lets hope this proposal goes in the bin where it belongs.

Oh I forgot to mention that while Mr Danny Healy-Rae is a sitting member of the Kerry County Council, he also owns a pub!  

Now that really is a joke....

And the winner is...

Sometimes it's nice being snowbound.

Normally I'd be rushing around on a Saturday trying to catch up on all the things I didn't get done (or ignored) during the week.  Not that I would have been doing much this Saturday because I'm in London, so I would have had a day of from domestic stuff anyway.  But today was a bit of a day off for everybody.

So we made cakes...

Jamie Oliver would be proud.  We made our own creation without a recipe!  I wasn't in charge.  No.  Today I had to take instruction from my eight year old niece.  I also had to listen to the music on her iPod while we sieved and mixed and creamed and levelled.  There is only so much Katy Perry 'music' one can listen to.  It was nice to hear singing along.  She did allow me to choose a track.  It was quite a challenge to try to guess what music an eight year old would have on her iPod.  Bingo, I got it right and chose Olly Murs.  That led to a rather well informed (on her side) and a clueless (on my side) discussion about the X Factor... Jeez... I never knew baking was such hard work!

She did redeem herself by playing and singing along to Dancing Queen by ABBA.  So all hope for music in the next generation of Brennan's is not entirely lost!

Apparently the afternoons baking has earned me the 'Aunt of the day' award.  Although I did feel, having had to listen to several tracks by the lovely Ms Perry, one particular one over and over, that should have been upgraded to 'Aunt of the Year'!!!

Here's what we created.  Snow cakes!!  They probably won't last as long as the snow...

Snow fun...

Well, training's going well.  I now know how much I don't know...

I'm glad it's Friday!  It's very tiring, learning.  I only seem to remember what I am currently working on, yesterday's session is a long forgotten memory.  I've even forgotten what it's like to learn.  Perhaps that's because the last time I was in a training room I was the trainer and not the trainee!  It's really annoying because I have all the knowledge in my head somewhere, but I only seem to be able to remember it at exactly the wrong time, that is, exactly one second after the trainer tells us...

It's very cold here also.  And as I think I have already told you, I came very unprepared.  It's snowing again today, quite heavily.  I really will have to go to the shops and buy a coat to go with my new hat.  Only trouble is, to get to the shops to get a coat to protect me from the snow, I have to brave the snow, wearing my very un-snow-proof jacket...

The training center is in a residential area and now, because its lunchtime, some children are playing on the road because they have been sent home early from school.  It's funny listening to them shouting and laughing in delight.  We are on ground level, and can watch them through the window.  If they spot us watching, they throw a snowball at us!!  Not fair, I want to throw one back, then run and hide behind a car, or a tree, or an adult....  Every time I look out I can see that the snow is piled higher and higher on the cars.  More ammunition for the children!!We finish at 4pm today, wonder what it will be like by then?

On the tube now, off to see my brother his and family for the weekend!  We are travelling overground at the moment and everything looks lovely covered in its fluffy white blanket.  Had to run the gauntlet to get to the tube station, past the children from earlier.  Although they seem to have morphed into unruly teenagers in a few hours.  Teenagers with a good eye for their target.  It's  not easy to run on a slippery path, ducking, and trying to hold on to my overnight bag and my dignity at the same time.  Those swear words I learned last week are proving very useful.  I didn't have time to fight back!!  Not fair again...

Nothing IT related worked very well today, I think the systems were a bit like my brain, information overloaded!!  So we finished early.  I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend being spoiled by my family, the London branch(s) of the Brennan clan.  I'll probably have to duck a few more snowballs there too.  Pesky teenagers.   

Although my eight year old niece is eagerly awaiting my arrival.  Not so that she can fling snowballs and abuse at me, no, she wants me to help her make cup cakes.  She might have to bribe me with a glass of something first.  Just medicinal, of course, to help me get over the trauma of a week in a training room with a Belgian trainer, whose English, (much better than my Belgian) made me laugh, a lot, to myself.  Also, he finished most of his sentences in typical Hercule (the only other Belgian I know) style, with 'voila' like he had just discovered something amazing.

I hope I'll be discovering something amazing when I get off this tube, like it has stopped snowing!  We're underground now and my view has gone from white to black.  Some contrast!  And we have also been delayed because of a signal failure further up the line.  So I'm just sitting here looking at the inside of a tunnel.  Now the lady who makes the announcements is telling us that we are going to move slowly and then come to a sudden stop, as part of a controlled exercise.  So we all have to sit down quickly and hold on tightly.   Jeez.. The excitement of it all.  I feel like I'm an extra in some bizarre runaway train disaster movie...

I wonder what topping my niece wants to put on her cup cakes... I hope it's not snow icing...

Sunshine and snow!

First day of training over...

Alberto collected me from the airport yesterday.   A very nice (as you will have guessed by his name) Italian man.  He was waiting for me with a sign with my name on it, then he carried my bag(s) to the car, and whisked me off to my hotel in an 'S' Class Mercedes (only what I'm used to, of course).  I felt like a celebrity!  One from the 'Z' list!

We got chatting about London and where we were both from,  he had the advantage cos he knew which city I had flown from.  Alberto had been to Dublin once, he stayed in Sandycove,  a lovely part of Dublin on the coast.  I told him he made a good choice as that that was one of the nicer spots of Dublin.  Then he told me all about the city he is from.  Turin.  He told me of sunshine, mountains sweeping down to the wide river, of the shopping boulevard akin to the Champs Elysees in Paris, of vineyards to visit...  I made a mental note to put it on my list of places to visit.  Meanwhile, while dreaming of sunshine and the streets of Turin, I looked out the window of the car at the dreary built up streets of north London.  Harrow, to be precise.  Big sigh!!  It looked so much nicer from the air.  And it's cold.

Anyway, the training...

Nobody told me it was going to snow!!  I had to walk to the training centre, in my suit and heels, in the snow.  With no hat!! My beautifully washed hair had a pile of snow on top of it by the time I got there.  And I couldn't feel my toes.  I usually don't mind the snow, but that's when I'm dressed for it.  Anyway, if nothing else, it improved the look of Harrow!  Everything always looks nicer when covered in snow flakes.  We had to brave it again at lunchtime, tradition dictates that all new trainees are brought out to lunch.  Jeez, I'd rather have been hungry and able to feel my toes...

So, the training...

Confession.  We didn't do any training.  We we're given a tour of the training centre/head office and were introduced to loads of people sitting at computer screens who's names I instantly forgot.  The highlight of the day was the talk from the finance department who spent an hour demonstrating how to fill in an expense form!  Now I know why I opted to work from home.  I'm glad I don't have to work here permanently and I am looking forward to getting back to my cosy office. 

I bought a hat on the way back to the hotel, so I'm ready for tomorrow's weather!  No one would notice if I wore my cosy woolly socks...would they...?

Ice ice baby!

After my week of technology filled mishaps, and I won't bore you with the story of my iron blowing up and my three (yes three) visits to the Electrical store before I got a working one (I hope that that's my last visit to an electrical store this year) I am finally on my way to London for my two weeks training.   

On my way but, not without delay.  (I'm good at this rhyming thing!).

We boarded on time, with all the usual drama of boarding passes, queuing, walking down the tunnel, more boarding passes, more queuing, finding your seat, finding a space for your bag, buckling in and sitting back and waiting for the roar of the engine and take off..  

Except we didn't take off.  No, we had to wait.  And wait.  And wait.  And wait, for the de-icer machine to come and clear the ice from the wings.  Ice on the wings, I didn't think it was that cold!?  Well, this could be interesting, I've never seen this before.  I wonder what  kind of high tech machine they have to do this job?

And wait, and wait...

Apologies from the captain and it arrives!  

I'm sitting a few rows up from the wings so I have to twist around in a most uncomfortable manner to see what's going on.  Me and the rest of the passengers.  I can't see anything, it's too dark now.  Suddenly there are three bright lights shinning in the window making me blink!  It's like the light you see in that film Close Encounters when the spaceship lands.  White, bright, and very strong.  Gosh this must be some machine.  Maybe the bright lights are going to shine on the wings and the ice will melt from their heat...

Shows how much I know.  The lights are on the front of a cherry picker and there is a man in a high vis jacket standing in the basket of the picker, with a high pressure hose, spraying something on the wings.  What is it? Salt? Sand? I have no idea, I will have to look it up.  Anyway, it took about two minutes to clear the ice.  I feel cheated, is this what we had to wait an hour for...jeez...

More apologies from the Captain...the roar of the engines...and we're off! 

Time for coffee and a read.  That reminds me of my recent train journey, which was much nicer than this one...

More apologies from the Captain, and we are finally making our decent into London.  I can see the city spread out underneath me like millions of yellow/orange coloured diamonds of various sizes scattered on a black cloth.  Random shapes twinkling.

Better turn this thing off before an irate cabin crew member reprimands me for using a prohibited electronic device.  I suppose I could go back to the old fashioned way and keep on writing with a pen and paper.  But then how would I post that on my blog?  Hmmm, I'd have to revert back to technology again...

It's all OK!

Day four in the Big Brother house...

Actually day four was, compared to the other three days, relatively quiet.  Technology was kind to me, the computer worked, the two screens worked, the Wi-Fi worked, the phone worked (although nobody called!), the printer worked.  The good luck Feng Shui Crystal, that I was given for a present for my new office and hung up yesterday, is obviously working. (I should have hung that up on Monday!!)

Everything's working, except me...

I still have some office furniture to acquire, but that can wait for another day.  At the moment I have no filing cabinet, but that's OK 'cos I have nothing to file.  I have no stationary cabinet, but that's OK 'cos I have no stationary.  My list of things to fit this office out with is getting longer.  My co-researcher is coming today to give me a run through of all the systems before I go to London for two weeks training.  Pre-training training!  (I have no chair for her to sit on, but that's OK...oh wait!)   She was here with me a couple of day ago and remarked on the lovely view of the mountains that I have from my 'office' window.  I see that view every day, and sometimes, as you know, walk the tracks in the forest up there in the mountains, but I never really looked at the view until she pointed it out.  It really is lovely, and at the moment the sun is shining on the neat green fields that I can see over the rooftops, and there are some sheep grazing and bales of hay stacked up in another field.  The top of one of the mountains is covered with a cloud which looks like a woolly blanket keeping it warm, I can just see the trees from the forest peeping out from underneath it.  I'm looking forward to working here.

I'm also looking forward to spending two weeks in London.  I know I'll be busy during the day, melting my brain with all the new systems, but I will have lots of evenings to fill.  I have lots of family to see too, so I won't miss home too much, it will be like home from home.

Time for coffee!

The last place I worked we took turns making the coffee, now it's always my turn!  But I suppose the up side of that is that I only have one cup to make, instead of two...

By the way, I figured out what the two screens are for.  Stereo YouTube!!

And in other news, I joined a dance class last night, but that's for another day...

The day of the printer...

On the first day of self-employment, my new job brought to me...

A desk, with no instruction book!

On the second day of self employment, my new job brought to me...

A computer which needed setting up!

On the third day of self employment, my new job brought to me...

A printer, which I have now forsook!!

Seriously?  What is it with me and technology?

You will be pleased to hear that I finally, with the help of the IT department, got the two screens working, but a thought struck me, does two screens mean that I'll have double the work?  Then the very helpful IT department told me they didn't send me a printer and I should go out and get one and install it.  No problem!  I've done that before, several times.  Easy.

Well...

Two printers, those handy swear words, lots of sticky tape, an instruction booklet, some more swear words, more Wi-Fi trouble (it's a wireless printer), more crawling under the desk, a confused dog, and four cups of coffee later, I still don't have a working printer.  I know I'm blond but really!!  I'm also barred from PC World.  Well not so much barred, but when I go through the door, suddenly the place becomes like a deserted town, nothing in sight, not one person in a black shirt with a friendly smile,nobody asking can they help me, no one behind the help desk (I did look over to see if they were hiding) nothing, only an eerie silence  and a strange breeze (from them all scarpering out the back door perhaps?) and tumble weed....

I've had enough.  I want to go back to regular employment, when I had somebody else to do everything for me...

I though about reviewing my Resume to include my new skills, but I don't think swearing would look good as an achievement...

Roll on day four, I'm ready for you!!!

Two screen or not to scream!

My first day at my new job....

Didn't have much of a commute!  Didn't have to put on a suite.  Hey, that rhymes!  Actually, I didn't have any work to do either, but that's kinda normal on a first day.  I did, however, have to create my own office space which involved assembling a desk and putting together a computer.  (I don't remember reading that in the job spec).  Oh well, at least I get to choose where I sit in the office.  I chose beside the window!!

Contrary to what I thought, assembling the desk was a quite a challenge.  It comprised of only four pieces - two sides, a top and a back.  But it was the most awkward piece of furniture I have ever put together.  Actually it is the only piece of furniture that I have ever put together.  I picked a tricky one to start with, so lucky my new career doesn't involve any more furniture construction.  I did have some help from a knight in shining armor (aka the delivery man) but it still took about two hours, several failed attempts, some tricky balancing, numerous phone calls, a wooden wedge (don't ask), some wood glue (borrowed from my Dad), three band-aids and several swear words (some I never heard before but did write down for future reference) to get it together.  I'm still not sure that it's together properly, but it's in position and there are no bits left over, so I'm hopeful...

My second day at my new job...

And then there was the computer.  Jeez!

Like most of my contemporaries, I'm well able to use a computer, but when it comes to setting it up I think I would rather face another desk!!  So, one processor, two (yes two) screens, three plugs, four set up discs, five hours and six trips to PC world (those swear words came in handy again!) for a Wi-Fi dongle (!) and several cables, plus a lot of crawling under and over the newly constructed desk, I finally have a working computer with an Internet connection.  Unfortunately, I have only one screen working, but the IT department have very kindly sent me several diagrams of cable configurations which I can try tomorrow.  I am trying not to scream with frustration.  BIG SIGH!

What on earth is day three going to bring...

On the plus side, my new office has a well stocked kitchen with very nice coffee.  But I must make a complaint to the management about the lack of chocolate biscuits...

What am I doing??  Oh didn't I tell you??  

I am now self employed, working from home, as a researcher within the Motor Industry!  No more commuting, no more wearing stuffy suits, I can work in my PJ's if I like, while looking at the world through my front window!

And next week I go to London for two weeks training with the parent company.  I'm really looking forward to that.  Two weeks in London!!  Nice. 

I'm also really looking forward to finding out what the two screens are for..

The sound of silence

I'm on my way home from my New Year celebrations in Cork with my family.  Thanks very much to them, I had a great time, eating too much, drinking Cava and dancing to Jooles Holland and his Big Band.  Now I'm on the train heading for Dublin.  And there's Wi-Fi!  Imagine, I'm connected to the world while I'm travelling along through the green fields of County Cork.

It's a lovely way to travel. Calming, relaxing...

Well it would be if it wasn't for my eight very lively 'seventy something' fellow passengers. I know they are near to, or in, their seventies because they have all been discussing how long they have been married.  One couple were discussing their wedding night, and how they spent it apart! The lady spent it in one room with her old aunts, and the man slept in another room with the men of the house! And they spent the next night on the train to Dublin, and were up all night apparently!! That remark caused an outburst of remarks from the rest of the group which kept the whole train amused. The 'youngest' of the gang have only been married for 48 years!  Jeez!! They have some catching up to do...

They are not going to Dublin, they are going to Galway, so I'll miss them when they get off at Limerick junction to change trains, as they are really quite entertaining!  Especially as one of them has been given an iPhone for Christmas by one of their children who is in Australia, because he thought it would be handy for 'Facetime' with his ageing parents!  It has been passed around the whole group and it's merits discussed in depth.  I wish I could have recorded that conversation. The 'owner' is still figuring out how to make a phone call. I'm dying to jump up and tell her that she could actually 'FaceTime' her son while on the train...or download an app that would show her how fast the train is going...but I just stay in my seat and look out at the lone cow chewing the cud who cares less about the Wi-Fi than my travelling buddies...

And speaking of iPhones, I have been without mine since last Sunday.  I have also been without my car (hence the train journey).  Long story (with an expensive ending) but lets just say, my car had an incident with a wall and it had to be repaired, and I left my phone in it when I left it in to the garage to be repaired!! Silly me.. I wasn't driving the car when it decided to alter it's shape using the wall as a mould.  We won't mention any names, but let's just say that Kevin will be short of cash for the next few weeks!!!

Anyway, I haven't missed either my car or my phone, but maybe that's because I have been away and not in my usual routine.  It will be interesting for the next couple of days without either when I am at home.  Of course as you may have guessed, I am not completely cut off from the big bad world, cos I still have my iPad to play with, but that is way less intrusive than a phone. 

Although I've enjoyed being phone less, I am now thinking how I am going to call somebody to pick me up from the station when the train arrives.  Gosh, will I actually have to go and look for a pay phone, and find change for it, and then actually have to remember a number and dial it!! Yikes!! Maybe I can get a lesson from the seventy year olds before they get off the train...

They are gone now, and the train is strangely quiet.  All I can hear now is the hum of the engine and the low hum of the other quieter passengers talking to each other or talking on their phones.  

So it's back to looking out at the green fields, the lonesome cows and the blue/grey skies.  

Time for coffee and a book!

Oh by the way, I have a new job! But I'll tell you about that another day...